Thursday, August 17, 2006

When In Doubt, ASK AMERICA

This aught to be fun. Recently I got some snail-mail from none other than J. Dennis Hastert, Speaker of the House, United States of effing America. You see, Denny (all his close friends call him that) needs me to contribute my valuable opinions so that we can shape the future of America together. The critical nature of this correspondence is spelled out in the introductory letter:

Never before in the history of the Republican Party has such an enormous and critical project been launched. The ultimate results will shape the future of our Party and our Nation.

Wow, this is a lot of pressure. Only me and nine-hundred ninety-nine other hand-chosen right-thinking 'mericans (in my area (size of 'area' left unspecified)) have the opportunity, no, responsibility to participate in the ASK AMERICA survey. With blue pen in hand and a bead of sweat on brow, I begin the survey, future of the country in my hands.

Question 1:
Do you support President Bush in his efforts to wipe out terrorism worldwide even if this war goes on for many years?
NO. Okay, so far so good. Was it just me or was that question a little loaded? Probably just me, lets move on.
Do you think American troops should pursue terrorists and their leaders even if it means going into countries where we are not invited?
Again, NO. I'm feeling really good about this. Let's jump down a few.
Some critics say that in tracking down potential foreign terrorists, the FBI and other investigative agencies are infringing on individuals' Constitutional rights. Do you think this is reasonable if it leads to exposing more terrorists in our country?
Well, since "FUCK NO" isn't one of the options, I'll have to go with "NO" here. It is interesting how they choose to use the words "critics" and "individuals" juxtaposed with "terrorists". All three could have been substituted with "American citizens" and yielded approximately the same statement with a slightly different connotation.
What is of greatest concern to you and your family right now?
Ooooh, "Threat of terrorism", "Natural disaster readiness and response", "Health of nation's economy", or "Other". Yeah, other, how about "erosion of this 'freedom' thing that you keep espousing that you are fighting for"? Let's move onto another topic ... Foreign Affairs.
In the last election, President Bush made it clear that "the United Nation's [sic] will never dictate U.S [sic] foreign policy." Do you agree with that statement?
I'm getting in the spirit of it now, YES, I agree that President Bush made that statement. What dumbass intern wrote that one? Eh? Probably the same one who wrote this gem:
Do you agree with President Bush's policy that the establishment of a free Iraq in the heart of the Middle East will be a watershed event in the global democratic revolution?
Well that's a little fishy. If I answer 'YES', am I agreeing that we should be freeing Iraq? Or that the policy we are implementing in Iraq is freeing somebody? Or that there is, in fact, a "global democratic revolution" going on? Watershed event kinda has a positive connotation; what if I think it's watershed, but in a bad way? You know, like maybe it has a high likelihood of sparking WWW III. Best be safe, NO.
How much of an impact is the skyrocketing cost of fuel having on you and your family?
Naw, using hyperbole in your questions doesn't unduly influence the results of the survey. You just go ahead using that colorful language, Mr. Surveywriter. It's neat!
Do you support the President's plan to unify our nation around a comprehensive energy plan that protects consumers while producing more reliable, affordable and environmentally clean energy?
Oh yeah! You go ahead and wave that magic wand Mr. President. Who am I to stop you? You fished it out of that box of Cap'n Crunch fair and square. I know Cheney had dibbs on the box, but he was watching Power Rangers when he should have been eating breakfast. Your personal discipline and attention to detail have allowed you to be equipped with the power to solve our nation's energy problems. So wave that wand, make the energy situation perfect for everyone, and then get cracking on that box of Apple Jacks -- there's an AIDS problem in Africa, or so the liberal media would have me believe.
Do you agree that the obstructionist Democrats should not be allowed to gain control of the U.S. Congress in the 2006 election?
Ummmm, yes. I mean, no. Wait, what? Come on now! Don't be pulling punches now. Think a little harder, there have got to be some other pejoratives you can attach to Democrat. How about "comically anemic"? Or "inept to the point of treason"?

Anyway, so now we just put the survey in the envelope and enclose our CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTION, seal the envelope and it's off to the post office for you, Mr. Future-of-the-country Survey. Oh wait, that's right, I'm not giving the GOP any money. Fortunately there is a discount option where for a mere eleven dollars my opinions will be counted. All the sudden I'm flushed with emotion and have a Lee Greenwood song playing on my internal jukebox. Fellow Americans, if only you knew how good it feels to do this much right.