Tuesday, September 19, 2006


This has been a long time coming. I have been suffering from a condition that severely impacts my ability to meet and initiate romantic relationships with women. A recent "date" that was effectively over five seconds into it has acutely reminded me that I have a serious problem. Recently, I realized that there may be a medical answer to this problem. Let us review this open letter to the pharmaceutical companies of the world...

Dear pharmaceutical companies,

Please develop an anti-infatuation drug. There is an ever growing group of men such as myself who share a similar disorder: inability to control the hormonal imbalance that is infatuation. This lack of hormonal control yields a crippling inability to begin a relationship with someone that we actually like. Upon meeting a potential romantic interest, those with my condition feel obliged to smile a lot, gush, want to hold hands, and, worst of all, want to tell this other person our feelings about them. These behaviours, especially the last, are well known to destroy relationships before they start.

Empirical evidence shows that men who consistently have a suave sense of disinterest toward women, or at least are able to put up such a front, are far more likely to actually get women. A drug that mitigated the extreme hormonal imbalance that characterizes my initial interactions with women would enable well-meaning men such as myself to put up that front of not caring which is so obviously attractive.

Men such as myself are desperate for an answer. We are unwilling to actually dislike women. Additionally, our moral dignity does not allow us to employ some apparently necessary tactics of "the game" including not returning phone calls, being aloof, and generally poking at foundations of a woman's self-esteem. We have tried reading books. We have tried practicing the tactics in front of the bathroom mirror. Futile efforts for sure. The only avenue left is chemical. There must be an answer. Men such as myself all over the world beseech you, find the answer and you will be rewarded.

The drug should be called desensitol and should be made available in an over-the-counter form. If one pill twice a day could help men such as myself to not foolishly show our hands, no price would be too high. Whomever makes it to market first will make billions.

Emotions On Sleeve
[Updated 9/19 with wording that is less likely to be interpreted as derisive to women. Ironically, caring enough to make this change is, of course, the problem.]

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